Episode 18: The Weight of What Ifs 🌿
Grief has a way of slowing us down, of pressing us into moments where our minds chase questions we can’t answer. For many of us, that stage is called bargaining. It’s the place where we replay the what ifs of life: What if I had done something differently? What if we had caught it sooner? What if I had prayed harder?
These questions don’t come because we are weak in faith. They come because we loved deeply, and loss shakes the ground we thought was steady. In the midst of pain, our hearts try to strike deals with God or rewrite the past in hopes that it might lessen the ache of the present.
My Story of Bargaining
I’ll never forget standing in the ER, praying with everything in me: “Lord, please don’t take her. Please God, please—I’ll do anything.” It was raw. It was desperate. It was bargaining in its most honest form.
Later, the what ifs started: What if we had eaten better? What if we had scheduled one more doctor’s visit? What if I had noticed something sooner? Those thoughts weighed heavy, and for a while, I carried them like stones in my chest.
The Trap of What If
The truth about bargaining is that the “what ifs” rarely bring peace. They often lead us into cycles of regret and guilt, keeping us tied to a past we cannot change. Bargaining is normal in grief, but it can become a trap if we let it define our days.
Psychologically, it’s the mind’s way of trying to regain control in a world that suddenly feels unpredictable. Spiritually, it’s a reminder of how much we long for answers, even when God invites us instead to trust His presence.
From What If to What Now
The turning point comes when we begin to shift from “what if” to “what now.” Instead of replaying the past, we start asking: What now, Lord? What would You have me do with the love and the pain I carry? How can I honor the life that was lost by the way I live today?
Scripture speaks directly into this struggle:
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6, KJV)
“Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee.” (Psalm 55:22, KJV)
God may not erase the ache of bargaining overnight, but He does promise to walk with us through it.
Taking a Step Forward
If you find yourself carrying the weight of what ifs, here are three steps that may help:
Name the Questions – Write down your “what ifs” in a journal or prayer. Acknowledging them is the first step to releasing them.
Shift the Focus – Ask God to help you move from “what if” to “what now.” What step forward can you take today?
Invite Community – Don’t carry the questions alone. Share them with someone safe—whether a trusted friend, a counselor, or a coach who can walk with you.
Closing Thought
Bargaining is part of grief, but it doesn’t have to define your healing. The what ifs may feel heavy, but God’s grace is strong enough to carry both your questions and your future.
If you’re walking through grief and need support, I’d love to come alongside you. As a certified coach in Acute Stress, Grief, and Trauma, I offer coaching that blends compassion, practical tools, and faith. You don’t have to carry the weight of grief alone.
👉 Learn more: Whitman Collective Coaching
